Friday, January 14, 2011

This One's for the Girls

Yes, you can have too much of a good thing.  I'm not talking about money, or wine, or other inherently good things. (I consider money to be inherently good.) This blog is about boobs.

For me, it started about a week and a half ago.

I hit Deaconess Women's Hospital with a serious case of Mastitis. Of this, I was certain. Here's how Google Health spelled it out.


Breast lump
Breast pain
Fever and flu-like symptoms including nausea and vomiting
Swelling, tenderness, redness, and warmth in breast tissue
Tender or enlarged lymph nodes in armpit on the same side

The redness, the swelling, and the "I've never filled out a tank-top like this before" sensation made this an open and shut case. Now, where are the antibiotics? No really, write it down on this rx pad. I need some relief.

I was fairly certain I'd end up at CVS, but I headed for JCP instead. That's JC Penney. No infection. Not even a hint of mastitis. Only an ill-fitting 36C. So, I was there for a sizing.

I suppose a normal person would be relieved at the non-diagnosis, but truth be told, I didn't want to spend money on bras. I like to haunt the baby boutiques and drool over teeny, tiny, little bitty baby things - in twos. Or... rocking chairs. Oh - and there's a glorious twin buggy by Stroll-Air I've been eyeing.

Up go my arms and a pair of boney, icy hands pulled the measuring tape against my rib cage. I can think of ten other places I'd rather be in this moment.

The woman named *Cheryl interupts my thought. "Well, there's your first problem. You're a 32."

A WHAT? You mean like ALL the way around? How is that possible?

She adjusts the tape, never making eye contact, and pulls it tight again.  Ouch.
"And here's the other problem. You're a DDD."

Holy hell.

It takes a minute to sink in.  I stare at myself in the mirror.  When did this happen?
Cheryl shifts her weight, nodding, and keeps her fingers pinched on the measuring tape... "Betch'ull be an F when that milk comes in."

Her breath smells like cigarettes.  She drops the tape and slips out of the dressing room.
I laugh.  Out loud.  This is funny but for all the wrong reasons.

It's dreadful news.  It means I'll be buying bras now - and AGAIN in a few months.  It means I'll have to put off impulse baby purchases.  It means my new bra straps may soon be 1/2" wide... for support. OH GOD. Lunch-lady style.

I sit on the edge of the bench for a minute.... doubting I'll ever bring sexy back.

Cheryl's back and she has a couple of different bras in her hands. They're DD - the biggest you can buy in the store - but I slip one on and it immediately feels better than what I wore into the store.

Much, much, much better.

Maybe this isn't so bad.

In fact, this is a treat.  An indulgence.  I thanked her quickly, texted Nate to meet me at Victoria Secret, and picked up a couple DD bras there - to hold me over until my DDD's come in the mail.

Special order, Fed Ex, you always bring me good things!

Ohhh, Monroe, this might just be the best $150 you've spent this year afterall.

[*Name changed to protect the innocent]

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Orange You Glad You Brought That Fruit?

I knew there would come a day when my children would humble me... but I pictured it to go down like this:  one of them yelling "I want to go home" in church.   Maybe an explosive diaper at an outdoor wedding with no changing table within a half mile.

I didn't expect it to happen today.

Innocently enough, I'd gone for a quick hair cut and color.  (Hold it right there.  It was the safe color, soy based or some other natural substance.)  However, the full bowl of cereal I'd had for breakfast wasn't holding me over.

Suddenly, I found myself wondering if there might be some soda crackers in my pocket... or whether it was acceptable to leave a hair appointment in foils to hit a drive-thru.  As I confessed my hunger aloud... a lovely woman in a nearby chair - a perfect stranger - says, "You know!  I have an orange right there in my purse."

Now, under normal circumstances, I'd save face and politely decline.  But before I had the chance to display my manners, I was bent over, shouting "THANK YOU," palming items in her purse, searching for something round and citrusy.  
A wallet, a phone, some keys... the ORANGE.  Awesome!

I didn't "eat" the orange - I opened my mouth, put the orange inside and swallowed.  Humiliating.  Satisfying.  (Sigh).  Thanks kids.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A December Birthday

The tree is sparkling and Direct TV channel 801 is playing all of the Christmas songs I haven't heard in a long time.  Every present will be wrapped in gold or silver paper this afternoon, except for one.  That lone gift is a Buzz Lightyear backpack and sleeping bag for Mr. Gavin Lyman - who turns two this month.

Makes me wonder as I run the scissors through the cartoon paper.... is it a blessing or a curse to have a December birthday?  I mean, a birthday this time of year would be a great for the child, but it could make for an expensive month.  I'm thinking ahead to next year, grateful these babies are coming in the spring.  Green ribbon tied on top... and it's done!  Gavin's present.  I can't wait to see his face when he opens it.

I double-checked the invitation and realized the party's not until 5:30.  What I didn't check was the DATE. Ohhh Monrohhh!  The party is NEXT Saturday.